"He is so charming", "She is so delicious" ... No always easy to live with a partner who, without going to adultery, spends his time trying to please others ... What hides the need to seduce? Investigation and advice to protect his couple.
"I've been living with François for fifteen years," says 52-year-old Nathalie, "60 years old, when he meets a woman, he follows her eyes and tries to capture his He's stronger than him, and yesterday I caught him taking his most drunken tone on the phone talking to a city clerk! " We meet every day with men or women who love to charm, arouse interest, be watched and attract attention. Seducers arouse dinners of friends, coot the unfortunate, negotiate brilliantly the tariff cuts at the garage and sometimes complicated relations with parents and in-laws. But, basically, what characterizes this type of behavior? According to the psychoanalyst and academic Gisèle Harrus-Révidi, seduction is a way of being in the world, facing others. It's about trying to please the other, no matter how deeply I feel about him or her. "Nathalie is not worried about that. "nice and attentive, to be nice to others and to be watched. He does not try to get anything else. "
A personality in search of recognition
Most deceivers seek neither the thrill nor the passion, but the gratitude they need. other, need to be reassured, and often suffer from a lack of self-confidence well hidden. " The unbridled will to please is based on a narcissistic fault, an insatiable dependence on the other, says psychoanalyst Jean-Pierre Winter. It is the call of the child who makes his first exploits and seeks the assent of his mother. "Imprisoned in the eyes of others, weakened by the passing of time (the actors know something about it), they can to lose oneself in an insatiable quest for recognition and to become slaves of it.
For the one who shares the life of this partner always turned towards the outside, to build a couple that lasts is not obvious. one of the great arts of seduction is knowing how to interrupt the relationship before it loses, both for the other and for oneself, its mystery ", explains Gisèle Harrus-Révidi. - not necessarily false - to want to escape, thus plunging the other into frustration.To this feeling comes sometimes the pain of feeling treated like all the others, of being only one among a multitude. According to Lili Ruggieri, a systemic therapist, "when we realize that the seduction we were sensitive to at first ends up exercising on others, it can be painful".
A spouse in search of dissatisfaction
A game of power, and sometimes even reports tinged with sadomasochism, can be put in place when one of them uses his charm to make the other suffer, the weaken, weaken it. At the end of several years, Eva, 37 years old, realized that her companion had completely vampirized her and dispossessed her of her existence: "The beginning phase was cheerful and rewarding, she remembers.My husband remained seductive with me and for a long time, we lived a real passion, but one day I realized that I was alone and isolated, that I had no more friends, that I had let him put me completely under his control He had pushed me away from all around me by demanding that my whole existence revolve around his little person, without, of course, being reciprocated: he had won, had me at his disposal and therefore neglected me to shine with He was not with me. "