Self

The brilliance of real life

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" Help yourself and heaven will help you". My mother often told me this maxim. But being an expert on selective deafness, I only remembered the last words. And the sky meant the Other. I am anorexic, entangled in my obsessions. And I have always expected others the miracle cure for my ills. At each woven link, I hooked up my illness, defined it by her. Then the link broke quickly, as the weight of my anxieties hurt him! I presented myself as an abyss, the other fled. I wanted him to fill the emptiness of my soul, he was incapable of it, I turned away from it. Friendships intense as ephemeral solitudes filled with anxiety, I struggled somehow in the molasses of my life.

And then, a few weeks ago, I suddenly realized, at the chance of an unexpected meeting with the one who is today my boyfriend, that the Other can do a lot but not everything. That one is responsible for oneself. That it is up to me to be something other than a repentant anorexic, on the lookout for the slightest detail to support her neurosis. That I can be cheerful, exuberant as before. To be me, the one I am without the yoke of my obsessions. Interest for what I am, what I have to offer. He refused to carry a weight that did not concern him, finally opening my eyes to the extent of my being. I still have eating disorders, so what? I also have a big mouth and a lot of repartee, and even a certain charm when I smile, it seems. We all have our weaknesses, our strengths. He showed me everything I was hiding, removed from the solid shell of the disease. I was only she, I am me.

I'm not in love with this boy, not yet. But he has finally revealed to me the brilliance of "true" life, to make me fall in love with life. So, I'm determined today to make up for lost time! I deserted my emotional life almost three years ago. I imprisoned myself in my neuroses, made the Other responsible for Evil, asked him too much. Today, I am alone, and the Other is again source of joy, of lightness. To laugh again, to be childish, to make bullshit of my age. And everything changes around me! These people, who frightened me, are today very good fellow travelers. Because I finally walk alone on my way!

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